Four years in...

Holy long time no chat Batman. As I've asked my wife myriad times of late, where did 2012 go? I don't recall prior years moving this quickly.


So I guess it's time for another update. The summer went fairly well, all non-eventy and such. A family trip to Chicago was the highlight, visiting family & the coolest museum in the world while they had a storm exhibit. We all loved it, and Galyna was a touch overwhelmed by it all. We also hit the beach, letting her see Lake Michigan up very close rather than just from the coolest urban roadway in America (yeah, I'm kinda something of a Chicagophile. Sue me). (Rather, don't. In today's litigious environment I oughtn't tempt fate).

We also had our traditional camping stop at Jellystone Campground for some relaxation & silliness before closing out the summer at the coolest state fair in the world. As much as I love Chicago, home has some cool stuff too.

School - Galyna's now in 4th grade for those keeping score - has been another step forward. Her first report card showed continued improvement, and she is liked by her teachers.

Galyna also took part in the annual Christmas kids program at church, and signed up once again for dance. This spring, she & I will take part in a father/daughter dance number at the dance school's recital. That should be interesting. I've only done this once before (with eldest daughter Tierney) and they didn't put too much stress on us poor dads. This one sounds a bit more upbeat though; I need to stop agreeing to things like this!

But no, it'll be a blast I'm sure. The fact that Galyna is looking forward to it is a wonderful sign. Since we last spoke (virtually, I mean - and I did the "speaking" - so maybe "since I last wrote" is better) we've have been working on getting Galyna to open up and share her feelings, and asking for help when she needs it. It seems to be working, and God seems to have brought us through the RAD issues. There is much in this area for which we are grateful, and in which we see growth. I look forward to looking back (how's that for chronological gymnastics?) and seeing how God brings us forward from here too.

Speaking of God, as I am wont to do, he is still greatly at work in our family situation. Thanks to the wonder of this whole Facebook thing he's provided, we have "coincidentally" made contact with two separate families who remember Galyna from her Ukraine days lo those many years ago.

The first is Vince, a man who visited the Good Shepherd Shelter about the time Galya was first brought there. Through our incidental contact on a Facebook group for people who've adopted from the Donetsk area, he put together 2 & 2 to come up with us being the people who adopted this girl he remembered. He sent us a DVD with some video of her he'd recorded, and for which we are eminently blessed, not having really much in the way of video or pictures from her going back even that far. Then, recently, another family in the same group said they remembered her, too, and are looking for more pictures & video.

Small world doesn't begin to describe it. (Another contact from the group, someone we met briefly at the Snowdrops orphanage has also come to a Facebook-related working of God in finding her adopted daughter's biological brother, and through us has contacted someone in the area working with kids his age to help him adapt to life after the orphanage. I find the "coincidences" to defy the category of "stuff happens." There are too many of late throughout this story, most of which I haven’t even brought up yet. God's at work, even using Facebook. Does this make Zuckerburg Balaam's donkey for the social media set? Hmmm).

But I digress. On this, four years after her Gotcha Day (seriously, where does the time go???) much looking back leads to many realizations of how far we’ve come in a very short time, and how blessed we have been to have encountered the people God’s brought into our world throughout the entire adoption/integration process. He is truly good, and these past few years, challenges included in the calculus, have borne that out for us again and again. I’ve even learned much about what it means to be a child of God by seeing how Galyna grows as our adopted daughter. The last thing I expected in all of this was to learn more about the gospel of grace, yet she teaches me time & time again lessons I thought I’d figured out at school and church years ago.

At this time, remember that. Jesus came, and we celebrate Christmas, because God is good. He wants to redeem us, bring us into his kingdom as adopted sons & daughters of the universe’s very creator. Let him adopt you and celebrate the new family life.

God bless,

Ron

Summer!

School's out for the summer. Say, that'd make a good hook for a song...but I digress. Summer vacation brings with it more parent/daughter time. We don't put our kids in daycare, so the days Shannon works, I work from home - not to babysit; we're well past those years. In general I end up working quite productively while my eldest practices her babysitting skills, and all three girls learn to (a) entertain themselves and (b) get along despite being around each other all the time.

Needless to say, this is much easier to pull off now than it was a couple of years ago when they all shared a room. Nothing says peace like separate bedrooms (one reason I think I'm generally a pro-borders kinda guy).

It's been interesting these few days observing Galyna and ruminating on the changes God wrought in our family over the past few years. Her last few months have shown remarkable growth in quite a few areas: school (she's up to grade level), family contributions (she's by far the most helpful in regards to chores) and physical development (if it wouldn't violate the copyrights of the musicians who recorded the song to which she danced, I'd upload a video from her dance recital so you can see the difference between the girl who once fell while waving "hi" and the graceful ballerina she's becoming).

Even the space between the "acting up" episodes is increasing.

Yet the pain, fear and distrust learned at the hands of abusers remain. In therapy, we have had breakthroughs that include finding out she has a hard time trusting us, doesn't believe this family is "forever," and sometimes wishes she was in a different family. Today she said she feels like she's a "bad person" because she gets in trouble sometimes.

Makes it hard to forgive (again) the abusers, the neglectful who scarred this little child.

Yet even this is progress as she'd not been able to admit this much mere months ago. I take more encouragement in looking back than I do in looking forward to what (I hope!) will one day be. Much as God told the Israelites to remember His goodness by looking back to what He did for them, I see evidence of His grace by seeing how much Galyna has grown in a mere 3-1/2 years.

If I can offer any encouragement to anyone who has adopted a troubled child it is that growth can happen. Find a good therapist. Read about the needs of children who've gone through what yours have (we have learned from Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow). Talk to others who've adopted hurt children. Stay true to the love which led you to adopt in the first place. Be patient, even through moments of frustration and hurt. Remember that you are in this to help the child heal. He or she needs you, even if (s)he doesn't yet realize it. And you're not alone, even if you feel like nobody around you understands what you're going through because they don't see the day-to-day, hour-by-hour swings.

Enjoy the good times, and as you see those multiply, rejoice and celebrate them with your child. After 3-plus years, we're getting to do this more often. As summer vacation follows a year of school, healing often follows pain. Not always as quickly as we'd like, and not always visibly or sans backwards steps - but it comes. At least that is what we're discovering, and lord knows, with the mistakes we've made along the way, if we can do this there's hope for anyone.

Skipping ahead in our story...

So, it's been about four months. I'm guessing that's about right for an update, eh?

***
It's been an interesting 2012. School is going well. Compared to last year, she has improved academically, socially and behaviorally. As noted last time we chatted, steps are being taken. In '12, there have been a few more steps forward than backwards.

Yay!

In terms of family relationships, there has been some growth too. Her Reactive Attachment Disorder has diminished to the point where she no longer hugs strangers indiscriminately, and her affection toward the family has taken some steps. She is more likely to snuggle & cuddle like the other two, although she is still somewhat tentative about it.

Odd as it seems, her relationships with her sisters have also improved - by becoming more "normal" in terms of sibling rivalry. There are many moments of good playing and getting along punctuated with squabbles & jealousy. Much like between Tierney & Amissa.

Therapy has been a blessing. Our social worker is amazingly patient as we work through issues of trust, honesty & openness. It's sad what abuse & neglect can do to a child. It's joyous, though, what therapy can do to heal. One of the interesting exercises we've done (besides trust falls & story telling) is "re-documenting" her childhood. This consisted of Galyna creating her own baby book which tells the story of her life to date - and which has many pages left for filling in as we go forward. We (Shannon & I) also wrote her letters which described what it would have been like had she been born into our family rather than being adopted into our family. It was rather cool to go back through the girls' scrapbooks to remember the little things we did for them (poems, silly "newspaper" announcements, etc.) and tell Galyna how that would have happened for her. And then to plan to do them retroactively. It seems each session helps us reveal another small adjustment or thought or reason. There is a ways to go, as I always say, but we've come a long way.

***
One of the other big steps for Galyna was our first family cruise this past March. We surprised the girls with a Disney Cruise to Mexico, stopping at Puerta Vallarta and Cabo San Lucas. It was quite the adventure. From Las Caletas and a dolphin swim to the food, shows & characters that make a Disney experience a, well, Disney experience, it was a top 3 family vaca. We even got to spend time with some friends who live in L.A. the day before the cruise departed, visiting the Aquarium of the Pacific.

It was touristy - and I can go on evangelizing for the entire trip ad nauseum. However, for the purpose of this blog, I'll stick with talking about how Galyna handled it.

She handled it pretty well. We did allow some spoilage - dessert too often, staying up late a few nights - the usual. But she got along well with her sisters, and made friends. She met a girl from New Mexico and stuck close to her whenever she could. She was patient in line to meet the characters, and didn't argue or complain when it was time to shut down for the night. Galyna wasn't afraid to interact with Shelly (our dolphin) and stuck close by when walking around the various Mexican tourist spots we visited.

In short, I think this was one of the first times she allowed herself to relax a bit and enjoy the "normalcy" of family life. For that alone the vacation was worth it.

***
As always, I can't promise whether the next update will be tomorrow or in another four months. But I will come back. Subscribe to the RSS feed or follow the blog for updates.

Until next time, thanks for your prayers, support and encouragement. We appreciate you all!

Ron